One of the advantages of living in a totalitarian state is that when a Blue celebrity comes to town, the same 100 people are invited to partake in a Meet and Greet. Such was the situation that brought me to Liberal Elite Loser Central this morning, to a coffee for John Kerry, visiting my state for God Only Knows What Reason.
I brought along a two-and-a-half year old constituent who seemed wildly disinterested in the whole affair. "Will you say hi to Senator Kerry?" I kept asking on the drive to the famous politico tavern where the LEL's would be gathering. And, always,from little Kate, the same reply: "No. I'm shy."
When we arrived at said tavern there was indeed the same 100 people I saw at the Theresa Heinz Kerry Meet and Greet right before the election. There was the tray of grapes, the urns of coffee, the exhausted young people who want very badly to do this for a living dressed in matching black.
The announcement was made: no speech, no posing for photos, just a run-through, a quick shake of the hand, and then the Senator from the Great State of Massachutsass had to move on down the road.
I shoved the two-and-a-half year old in front of me, knowing that Kerry would feel a need to stop and smell the Johnson's Baby Shampoo.
And boy, did he ever. Kate got a tummy rub, then a hug, then another sort of grope on her sides, then a vigorous scratch on the head. During all this canoodling, I felt a need to say something, so I made a joke he's probably heard from every supporter with a kid under 5 and an IQ over 80: "This is Kate. She's a life-long democrat, Sir."
Guffaws all around and then he was off, shaking hands and posing for pictures when people begged. The whole thing lasted about ten minutes, or so I assumed.. Kate ran into the kitchen and out the back door, giving me the escape route I needed to beat the crowd out of the tavern parking lot, itself a touching field of gas-efficient vehicles bearing leftist bumper stickers. A West Coast parking lot upended in a tornado and landing in the South...
Off we went, Kate relieved that this weird "Meet Senator Kerry" nonsense was over, her driver relieved that the intense raspberry noises Kate had been making just prior to the Senator's entrance ceased once he made his way toward us.
The fates smiled down on me; this was never a reality:
"Nice to meet you, Kate". Rub, Pat, Rub, Pat.
Not that he hasn't heard it before, you understand.