Various late-night thoughts on a world some said would end in fire, some said in ice. Guess they didn't know about chocolate martinis and poor old Jesus being borrowed by Satan. Study hard, kids, it'll all be on the test.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

How to Shop With A Liberal

We here at the Liberal Elite Loser office have been trying to lose a few pounds lately, and we think we've discovered the best diet
currently on the market. Just walk into your local grocery store this week and, as you load your Cheetos and Dr. Pepper onto the Converyer Belt of Doom, take a quick spin about 180 degrees. Not only is this good for those love handles, your twist should reveal to you a magazine rack stuffed with, among other things, copies of TIME, which has selected to put Ann Coulter front and center on the cover.

Ann Coulter. Is she news?

Of course she was wearing a very short dress and of course she had a demonic look on her face.

The ridiculous tagline included the provocative question: Is she serious?

She's seriously dangerous. What else matters?

I do appreciate her healing properties, however. One look at Ann and you put that junk food back on the shelf.
In fact, the very idea of eating food ever again is utterly repellent.

Thanks TIME!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Embracing Mediocrity

Forgive the break, Losers, but the staff took most of the month of April off to go on yet another fact-finding mission to Iraq.

The facts, as they currently stand: Things still suck.

Now then: Perhaps it started with Bridget Jones and her diary,we're not really sure. The point is this: two recent best-sellers, Curtis Sittendfeld's PREP and Tom Perrotta's LITTLE CHILDREN, revolve around a unique romantic relationship that we're pretty sure wasn't commonplace back in the day: the secret, passionate affair between an average -looking woman and the kind of man even Catherine Zeta-Jones has to shave her legs for.

Okay, so these liasions aren't the stuff of Zale's diamond commercials Yet the fact that they even exist in not one but two works of Very Popular fiction is enough to give normal-looking women the world over pause.

If we were staff writers in the NY Times Style section, we would have a catchy name for this phenom. As it is, we merely recommend these books for their wit, insight and well-deserved acclaim, and to all the extremely attractive men who might stumble uopon them, we'd simply like to add: Get some ideas, will you?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Persistent Legislative State

In his 1999 autobiography My Life As A Hypocritical Prick (Okay, okay, A Charge to Keep--can't we give everything a nickname too?), President Bush made mention of the fact that it wasn't his job to "replace the verdict of a jury unless there are new facts or evidence of which a jury was unaware, or evidence that the trial was somehow unfair".

Wow. That really sounds like a guy who gets the difference between the judicial and legislative branches, huh? The trouble is, George only goes out on that limb to defend the culture of death in Texas, where he presided over 152 executions, a US governor record.

One of those executed, you may recall, was Karla Faye Tucker, who went on Larry King before she was invited to join the culture of death by George Bush and the State of Texas. Journalist Tucker Carlson missed that interview, but in 1999 Bush told him about it. In an obviously unguarded moment, George included an imitation of Karla's response when King asked her what she would say to Governor Bush if she could talk to him. According to Carlson, Bush pursed his lips in mock desperation and imitated Karla Faye whimpering, "Please. Please, don't kill me."

My Life As A Hypocritical Prick. Get your copy today!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Pimp My News

She Who Gave Birth to Me (ah, we all live with regrets) called up the other day in a classic old lady rage. "Have you read the NY Times lately?" she fumed. "It's nothing but a rag." I was mystified as to why she thought the paper had gone downhill (let's not even get into her insistence on giving it a nickname), but further conversation revealed that she simply hates all the bad news--- angry red states, sad blue states, persistent vegetative states--and blames the Times for this.

There's a lot of that going around these days, blaming the media for the news we beg them to give us. CNN,however, is taking the blame, and fighting fire with fire.

Sick of whimpering in the corner, licking its wounds from the Fair and Balanced bully, the network plans to give folks more of a reason to tune in and stick around. New president Jonathan Klein, the NY Times reports, is determined to increase the average time viewers spened watching CNN prime-time shows by 30 seconds a month.

Huh? 30 seconds a month would make that much difference? Apparently, it would, bringing in an estimated $10 million in ad revenue.

So what is the Kleinster giving us for our extra 30 seconds? We've seen Rick Sanchez in a shock belt, getting 50,000 volts of electricity.
On the one hand, okay --kinda silly. On the other hand, well----"Duuuuude, did you see that?"

How do I want my news? If the Times is a rag, then I guess I want a rag. If CNN needs to shock it's jocks for ratings, then, hell, I'll throw the switch. I want a 24 hour news channel that isn't a mouthpiece for the monarchy and if it means hanging out with my husband while we watch Paula Zahn read the news topless-- I guess that's a sacrifice he'll just have to be willing to make.

"Uh, Niddy, hold on, I just wanna watch CNN for another, oh---30 seconds....."

Monday, March 21, 2005

Living Will

When even one American exists in what doctors call a "permanently vegetative" state, with no discernible thought or feeling, our hearts go out to all Americans living in such a manner, although most don't get nearly the press of the case that rocked Florida.

The spouse suffers most cruelly in a land where the sanctity of marriage AND the sanctity of life are our highest values; the one who knows you best and loves you most may be forced to stand by helplessly while others buoy the nation with false hopes of present cognition and future miracles.

So hang in there, Laura. It's only for a few more years, and sometimes--just sometimes---We could swear that he understands what we're saying, even if for only a moment.....

Monday, March 14, 2005

Kerry Canoodles My Kid, Film at 11

One of the advantages of living in a totalitarian state is that when a Blue celebrity comes to town, the same 100 people are invited to partake in a Meet and Greet. Such was the situation that brought me to Liberal Elite Loser Central this morning, to a coffee for John Kerry, visiting my state for God Only Knows What Reason.

I brought along a two-and-a-half year old constituent who seemed wildly disinterested in the whole affair. "Will you say hi to Senator Kerry?" I kept asking on the drive to the famous politico tavern where the LEL's would be gathering. And, always,from little Kate, the same reply: "No. I'm shy."

When we arrived at said tavern there was indeed the same 100 people I saw at the Theresa Heinz Kerry Meet and Greet right before the election. There was the tray of grapes, the urns of coffee, the exhausted young people who want very badly to do this for a living dressed in matching black.

The announcement was made: no speech, no posing for photos, just a run-through, a quick shake of the hand, and then the Senator from the Great State of Massachutsass had to move on down the road.

I shoved the two-and-a-half year old in front of me, knowing that Kerry would feel a need to stop and smell the Johnson's Baby Shampoo.
And boy, did he ever. Kate got a tummy rub, then a hug, then another sort of grope on her sides, then a vigorous scratch on the head. During all this canoodling, I felt a need to say something, so I made a joke he's probably heard from every supporter with a kid under 5 and an IQ over 80: "This is Kate. She's a life-long democrat, Sir."

Guffaws all around and then he was off, shaking hands and posing for pictures when people begged. The whole thing lasted about ten minutes, or so I assumed.. Kate ran into the kitchen and out the back door, giving me the escape route I needed to beat the crowd out of the tavern parking lot, itself a touching field of gas-efficient vehicles bearing leftist bumper stickers. A West Coast parking lot upended in a tornado and landing in the South...

Off we went, Kate relieved that this weird "Meet Senator Kerry" nonsense was over, her driver relieved that the intense raspberry noises Kate had been making just prior to the Senator's entrance ceased once he made his way toward us.

The fates smiled down on me; this was never a reality:

"Nice to meet you, Kate". Rub, Pat, Rub, Pat.


Not that he hasn't heard it before, you understand.

Monday, March 07, 2005

The People's Right to Know Act

Exciting News from my favorite Red State! We are about to pass something called the "Women's Right to Know" act, requiring abortion providers to share information with women scheduled for abortions--namely, telling them what the procedure entails, any possibility of fetal pain, other alternatives to abortion, then sending them home for 24 hours to reflect on these fun facts before returning for their abortion.

I can just hear the women learning and growing now:

"THAT'S what an abortion is? Sheesh, I just thought it was some kind of spa treatment. Thanks, Women's Right to Know act!"

"You mean, instead of extracting my fetus I can continue the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption? What a crazy new fad!
Thanks, Women's Right to Know act!"

No doubt the three people in this state still willing to perform abortions will simple read this information in a monotone off a preprinted card and politely inform the patient to come back the next day.

Still, this got me to thinking: lots of other legal medical procedures have at least the possibility of resulting in fatality--are we really giving people enough time to consider all their options?

Sure, now women have a right to know. But what about everyone else?

"Mr. Green, this could be a very simple operation. Or I could accidentally leave an implement buried in your intestines, causing you to get a raging infection and die mysteriously in two or three days. Make sure you really want to go under the knife, will you? See you tomorrow!"

"Mr. Jones, this is a risky operation to begin with, and my anesthesiologist has lost a few. You're no spring chicken, you've had a good life so far--why not take 24 hours to ask yourself: is this how I want to go out? Here's a certificate for dinner at Red Lobster. Have a nice meal, and let's talk tomorrow!"

So I'd like to introduce a bill: The People's Right to Know Act. No one should have to undergo a medical procedure without some helpful time to consider all the possibililties, all the options and a fabulous last lobster supper. (A last pot roast, for all our Jewish friends).

The People's Right to Know Act. Because fear makes for a stronger America.